420 ftw
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
