Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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