The maid of honor just puked.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
