Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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