I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
