theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
