I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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