he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
