so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
