I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think I sprained my soul last night
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
