Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
