What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize