Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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