One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
