I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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