guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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