What did we do last night that was yellow?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
