She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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