I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
