Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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