So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
