did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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