note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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