I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
