His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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