I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
