I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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