i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
