'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
