I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
