while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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