If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
