U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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