oh god the rape fog is back!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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