i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
