I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
