i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Boobs speak an international language.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
