I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
