Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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