so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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