There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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