I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
