i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
