My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
