the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
