and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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