I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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