I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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