It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
