I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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