He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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