I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
