I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
