I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
