since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
