ya dads aren't the best wingmen
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
