OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
