I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
