She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
