my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
