trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
