dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
