I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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