I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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